Living and Loving Out Loud

I'd love to sit here and write a profound and honest tale of my life.  But I just don't have it in me this morning.  I am sitting in bed on a chilly Saturday morning sipping my tea as the sun begins to brighten the sky.  It's that time of morning when it's that dull light darkness with the chirps of a few brave birds.  The ones who get the worms.  I love this time of day.  I also love waking up hangover and anxiety free.  No, I did not have an AF night, but I didn't have an over-the-limit night either.  Why not?  Because I was out with Shaun until nearly 6pm so I avoided the late afternoon boredom with the mind-fucking thoughts that tell me it's okay to start drinking at 3pm because I can always quit earlier.  That never works.  That's why I have over done it for at least the last two weeks.  But not last night.  Last night, I slept better than I have in several weeks.  And while in the bathroom this morning, I did a ...

I had a meltdown last night.  Actually, it wasn't me.  It wasn't the true Me that had a toddler-inspired meltdown.  It was the baby brain in me that knows the gig is up and that little brat started acting up when I told Craig it was time that I go back to an alcohol free life.  Ooh, and she was in a mood last night.  She spewed jealousy and accusations at my husband.  She cried about how helpless and alone she felt.  She was over stimulated, tired, and just needed a nap.  I'm not going to lie, I confuse her.  You see, as I was explaining to my husband that I think I'm done with the booze, I had a glass of wine in my hand.  What do toddlers with no boundaries turn into?  Blubbering brats.   I also haven't committed to a 100% alcohol free life.  That scares the hell out of me.  I am committing to exploring my life AF.  I am committing to giving it enough time to see how these meds work without the influence of...

This is not a cry for help.  This is a true account, or the truth according to me, about the depression that comes in suffocating waves while drinking.  While drinking on antidepressants.  While drinking on antidepressants during the hormonal upheaval of perimenopause.  While drinking on antidepressants during the hormonal upheaval of perimenopause while suffering from severe insomnia.  This is HARD.  But I know, without a doubt, that alcohol is not only not helping me, it is causing detrimental side effects to my physical, mental, and spiritual health.  I mean, I always knew that, but now it seems to be amplified 1000%.  And we can't have that, now can we?  I have to be a mother, a wife, a sister, a teacher, a daughter.  I have to do the laundry and keep the floors clean and wipe the crumbs off the counter.  I have to buy the lavender candles whenever a storm is coming because the smell of a desert rain and lavender is intoxicatin...

I haven't written anything for a few days because putting things in writing makes them real, and I haven't wanted to feel anything real for nearly a week.  I'm just going to say it... I was on a bender.  And at 47 years old and in the throes of perimenopause, a bender looks like too many light beers that guarantee crippling anxiety, low, low depression which feels like choking on tears that come from nowhere, and extreme irritability.  So you see why I wouldn't want to put that in writing?  Instead, I turned on the TV, played stupid, mind-numbing games on my phone, and drank.  Sometimes 5 beers, sometimes 10 throughout the day.  I'm not going to get into the details, but there was one point I wanted to run away from my family.  I tried to convince myself they would be better off without me, but when I looked at my bank account, I quickly realized that I couldn't even afford a roadside motel in the seedy part of town.  But holy shit, this recent de...

There's not much to say this morning.  Not much going on in my mind.  That's not a bad thing.  That means a content, anxious free, morning.  I'll take it.  Yesterday was a distant content.  What I mean is that I had a good day but didn't feel completely connected and that's okay.  Better to feel a disconnected contentedness than a disconnected anxiety.  It was a productive day without being overwhelming.  A day to tie up loose ends, so to speak.  Getting a vet appointment set up for Otis, ordering lift tickets for Craig and Kye, taking Shaun to pick up his new amp, running to the store for a few items, making dinner, doing laundry, cleaning the floors, watching a movie, replying to a couple of emails, getting Otis to the park, cleaning up the kitchen, watching a show with Craig, and climbing into bed content and tired.  I actually slept pretty well last night, despite the solid hour-long nap midday.  Did I forget to list that?...

I'm kind of dragging ass today.  Could be my period, could be my interrupted sleep, could be the two extra drinks last night.  Five in total.  Two more than my planned drinking.  I'm not beating myself up, though.  I'm looking at it as a learning experience.  What happened?  It started as a lazy, sunny, afternoon with my husband building a new vegetable garden, me cleaning up the thrift store chandelier for the back patio, and our son working on his electric guitar.  Even our older son came outside and sat down with the dog while we all worked away on our projects.  It was a perfect Sunday.  I can't remember having a Sunday like that since before the dreaded teen years.  I didn't want to drink.  I didn't want a fuzzy veil around the perfect scene of our little family together in our pride-and-joy of a backyard.  So I grabbed a near beer without a second thought and relished the moment.   Around 3:30, Craig was ge...

I don't have anything pressing to get out of my mind and onto paper this morning.  I don't have the flurry of necessity to write.  Those are good mornings.  Those are the mornings when old (or new) emotions are stirring, screaming to get out on paper and the release through ferocious typing is nothing shy of sweet relief.  Today is not one of those days. I want to record my observations from yesterday so I have some sort of record around my thoughts and actions.  I probably should have done this last night while everything was still so fresh,  but I had that beautiful fatigue that comes from a long day of moving the body, punctuated by a warm bath and fresh-out-of-the-dryer pajamas.  The only thing that was happening last night was a blanket and Netflix.   I was up before 5am yesterday morning.  I was so excited for our adventure; a hike that I haven't done since the early 90's when my father, twin sister, and I flew from New Jersey to A...

I think my little happy pill is finally kicking in.  Yesterday was nothing short of peaceful.  Joyous.  Humble.  I drank more than I wanted to Thursday night and woke up a bit off with a bit of an anxious edge thrown in for good measure.  And I thought to myself, "I'll get Shaun off to school then get home and back into bed for the morning."  But then a smaller voice, my own voice without a doubt, whispered, "Or you can take Shaun to Starbucks for a coffee and a breakfast sandwich, have an extra few minutes to talk with your son, get him to school, and get home for some house cleaning and job hunting."  The more I paused to hear that beautiful voice, the louder she grew.  Shaun and I did have a wonderful morning and chatted about all things music and the new guitar amp he had ordered.  Then the strangest thing happened; he let me drop him off right in front of his first period building and   he said, "I love you, too, Mom," when he ...