Living and Loving Out Loud

Sometimes I feel totally and incomprehensibly alone.  Even when surrounded by family and loved ones.  And let's remember, there are family members that I do not love, but they are family by marriage so they fall under the category of loved ones by default.  I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder in October of 2020.  This was around the time that I started playing around moderating my alcohol consumption.  I had quit drinking a few times since July, enough to know that I love life so much more without alcohol but still held onto the idea that maybe I could moderate.  I am happy to say that I felt like shit for the two months I tried.  Phew, at least I was able to put that idea to rest.   So back to this loneliness.  The thing I struggle with is not knowing if the loneliness is because of depression or if it is because I am a proud non-drinker surrounded by drinkers.  And if it is caused by depression, should I pop a pill and ...

 I'm quickly learning that I'm not good at being bored, and that leads to the question: what's wrong with being bored?  Isn't it through boredom that creative ideas are born?  Do I need to constantly be moving, producing, creating?  Why can't I just sit still in the silence?  Enter my smartphone- that's an addiction I need to work on.  I'm mindlessly reaching for it and looking up brain cell killing nonsense or checking Facebook for the third time that minute only to see no one has posted anything the least bit interesting since the last time I checked, twenty-three seconds ago. Why am I bored?  Because for the last 25 years I have spent my time drinking, thinking about drinking, recovering from drinking, looking forward to drinking, managing (sorta) my anxiety from drinking, avoiding the guilt and shame that came from my drinking by drinking, covering up the truth about my drinking, cursing myself for my drinking, loving drinking, hating drinking, bon...