Living Out Loud in the New Year

Sometimes I feel totally and incomprehensibly alone.  Even when surrounded by family and loved ones.  And let's remember, there are family members that I do not love, but they are family by marriage so they fall under the category of loved ones by default.  I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder in October of 2020.  This was around the time that I started playing around moderating my alcohol consumption.  I had quit drinking a few times since July, enough to know that I love life so much more without alcohol but still held onto the idea that maybe I could moderate.  I am happy to say that I felt like shit for the two months I tried.  Phew, at least I was able to put that idea to rest.  

So back to this loneliness.  The thing I struggle with is not knowing if the loneliness is because of depression or if it is because I am a proud non-drinker surrounded by drinkers.  And if it is caused by depression, should I pop a pill and ignore it or is it a message from my soul telling me to go out and find a tribe of like minded people?  I'm leaning towards the latter.  And then there's my husband.  He's a drinker, a rather heavy drinker but is okay with his levels of consumption.  More power to him.  But I feel like there is a divide happening now.   Like I'm living this gloriously fulfilling, self-awareness invoking, ugly, messy life and I want him by my side but I don't know if he can be.  Enter: Living Out Loud.  I vow to talk to him.  I vow to let him know my fears, my loneliness, my desire for his support.  I need to hear him say, "Christina, I'm proud of you."  As soon as he wakes up I will talk with him.  Over coffee, since last night was New Year's Eve and he may need an extra cup.  

Here's the thing about living out loud.  I don't want to live with what ifs.  Like, what if I could have told him how I really felt?  What if I said what I really meant, even if what I meant changed five minutes later?  What if I actually took the leap and signed up for that photography class?  What if I got that 25 year old ridiculous tattoo changed into a lotus flower?  What if I stepped out of my comfort zone and tried rock climbing or axe throwing?  A what if is a regret.  And I don't do regrets.  

As for depression: I am allowed to feel what I feel, whether it is influenced by depression or not.  This is me right now.  I am a full on supporter of the belief that the mind is more powerful than matter.  That our highs and lows are messages from our souls that something is amiss.  Yes, depression could simply be low serotonin levels, but that's a message to eat healthier foods.  To do things that raise the happy little chemicals in my head.  Be more present and grateful.  Easier said than done, but I'm on my way. 

2020 is over.  A new year begins.  There are no promises to myself because quite frankly, I am kicking ass already.  Here's a toast to living out loud through the highs and lows and seeing who is still around afterwards.  Cheers!