Shadows

I feel like I'm dying.  Not physically, but emotionally, spiritually, motherly.  This shit is keeping me so isolated.  Away from my children, my sister, my mother.  Oddly enough, it seems to make me feel connected to my husband.  Maybe he feels differently.  I don't know.  I haven't asked.  This poison is so much more than a simple substance.  It's a poison that throws a dark shadow on our lives, our hearts, our BEINGS.  Yet I can't imagine an afternoon, often times a morning, without it.  But I can see the ME without it  and she's beautiful.  Shiny and free and clean.  I just can't seem to get back to her...yet.  I'll get there, I just never imagined it would be this much of a struggle.  

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

It's Been Awhile

Image
It's been so long since I last posted, I honestly forgot that I had this blog.  Reading my past posts, I don't recognize that girl.  She was sure, confident, excited.  It is now over 3 years later and I'm not hungover, despite having 10 beers last night.  That's never a good sign.  It's also 6:30 in the morning and I'm drinking a beer to alleviate the soon-to-be anxiety that always kicks in these days. So its day negative (?).  I don't want to count drink free days this time.  I just want to be enveloped by the identity of a non-drinker or a moderate drinker.  I haven't made up my mind to which yet.  I know, I know... it's a desperate denial scream.  But life is too short to put hard little boxes around ourselves, so I'm leaving it open for discussion as I move forward and evolve.  I say day negative because clearly I haven't quit drinking yet.  But my toes are curled over the edge, my fists are clenched, I'm huffing and puffin...
Read more

February 19, 2024

Image
I did it again yesterday.  I drank too much.   Not like Saturday, but definitely more than I wanted to.  Why?  Well, the morning started with a hair-of-the-dog to stave off the anxiety.  After the movies, Craig and I headed down to the Art and Wine Festival.  I stayed aware and observant.  I noticed how he was making his way straight to the wine tent.  I asked him to settle down, enjoy the art.  He scoffed sarcastically, a bit degratingly, and said its a wine festival.  No, its an art festival.  Hah!  Look at me noticing the pull, the drive, the need.  We got our tasting cup; he thought it was a joke how small the pour was.  I pointed out that a tasting pour is only ever a couple of ounces.  These ounces were disgusting.  I sipped enough just to wet my lips and thought, "Why the fuck am I drinking this?  It tastes like grape juice with a chemical aftertaste.  And I don't even really like wine!...
Read more

The Reason Why I Drink

Image
  This is a messy answer, and one that I could spend weeks, months, even years trying to understand.  The funny thing is, the answer to this question changes as we grow, as our needs evolve, as life's challenges appear and disappear.  For now, the reason I drink is because I have no reason not to.  I have no job or passion to get up for in the morning.  I have no career to be proud of.  I have no purpose.  I used to.  Teaching was my passion, my drive, my source of excitement.  It was my identity until I crashed and burned last Fall.  Burn out is real and it's a bitch.  I'm sure I do have a purpose, its just buried under booze.  Annie Grace talks about guardrails keeping people on track with their drinking.  Maybe that's true, but I don't like the sound of that.  Guardrails sound like safety nets or protectors against a great evil.  Or like the bumpers for beginners in a bowling alley.  But alcohol isn't a ...
Read more