But Why?


Why do I want to get back to a happy place with my alcohol consumption?  And what does that even look like?  I'm not naive; I know moderating is a choice that leads to A LOT of work.  I'm not sure I want that much brain power going to a substance that has the power to turn me into a blubbering pile of hiccups, missed opportunities, lost connections, forgotten conversations, and crippling anxiety.  Not to mention a puffy face, dry skin, swollen belly, and eyes devoid of any sparkle.  I'm remaining curious.  That's it; I'm curious.  How could Mom have drank heavily all throughout her early adulthood and into young motherhood and then become a moderate drinker?  Silly little veil; I'm not Mom.  

Back to the big question:  why do I want to quit?  I think I conquered my demons in my first go around with AF living.  I wanted to fit in.  But I learned that I do fit in and if I don't fit in, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.  We all have something to bring to the table.  I have one life to live, why not live it loud and proud, or quiet and humble, exactly as I am?  And I'm actually good at it!  I have been to many, many gatherings, parties, dinners, weekends away, and nights at home without drinking.  I know how to let go, have fun, and engage in conversations, throwing my head back in laughter with a soda water or decaf coffee in my hand.  It took some work, but I know who I am without drinking.  That's my why.  I know who I am and I am not me when I am drinking this much.  To strip it down to an even more fundamental "why:"  Perimenopause and alcohol DO NOT mix.  Peri is hell already and I'm actually taking the steps to start managing this stage of life better.  Alcohol,  the insidious little shit, is holding me back.  After suddenly leaving teaching, I have this beautiful opportunity to rewrite my life.  Its been over 4 months and the story goes like this: I drink too much.  The end.  Pretty boring story.  Yes, I started my own company.  Yes, I got certified in mindfulness.  But have I done anything?  I have one client.  One.  That equals $57.52 a week income, not including the 30% taxes I need to pay.  I understand that starting a new business can be a long process, but I definitely could be doing more to reach my goals of actually having a profitable business.

What do I look like when I'm happy with my alcohol consumption?  I look FREE.  Healthy.  Sparkling eyes, graceful aging, laughter without compromise... I look like a badass because I'm having just as much fun as everyone else but I'm not poisoning myself.  I look like a rebel.  I look like a confident 47 year old woman who is so sure of herself she doesn't need to numb herself.  She is so powerful against life's storms, she doesn't need a crutch.  (That sounds very poetic.)  If I visualize that version of myself, I can see her and she is absolutely fucking beautiful.  

I stuck to my tapering schedule yesterday.  I actually had to struggle with the last beer.  It just didn't satisfy.  And I actually slept pretty well last night!  I told Craig that Thursday is the day; I will be AF on Thursday.  I don't know why "one day at a time" makes me uncomfortable, but that's how I'm approaching AF living this time around, at least in the beginning.  

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