It's Been Awhile

It's been so long since I last posted, I honestly forgot that I had this blog.  Reading my past posts, I don't recognize that girl.  She was sure, confident, excited.  It is now over 3 years later and I'm not hungover, despite having 10 beers last night.  That's never a good sign.  It's also 6:30 in the morning and I'm drinking a beer to alleviate the soon-to-be anxiety that always kicks in these days.

So its day negative (?).  I don't want to count drink free days this time.  I just want to be enveloped by the identity of a non-drinker or a moderate drinker.  I haven't made up my mind to which yet.  I know, I know... it's a desperate denial scream.  But life is too short to put hard little boxes around ourselves, so I'm leaving it open for discussion as I move forward and evolve.  I say day negative because clearly I haven't quit drinking yet.  But my toes are curled over the edge, my fists are clenched, I'm huffing and puffing to psyche myself up, and I will take the leap back into an alcohol free life as soon as I'm ready.  There's that desperate denial scream again.

Why am I struggling to take the initial leap?  I've toyed around with discomfort a bit the past few weeks.  For example, feeling the hard, anxious cravings, but allowing them because that's what brains do.  They cry for what they expect and if they don't get what they want, they can be pretty little nasty imps throwing physical and mental sensations throughout the body.  So why am I struggling?  Because I'm afraid.  I'm scared to feel so alone again.  And if I stay numb, I don't have to face the reality that I may never know my husband authentically without the haze of daily alcohol use.  The reality that I will never know us without the daily use.  Maybe I'm not meant to know what that's like.  Maybe this chapter of my life is supposed to come to an end.  Or maybe I'm supposed to thrive to show my husband that life really is fulfilling and not boring on the other side of alcohol abuse.  Who fucking knows?  

I cry to myself, within myself, about a lack of connection in my life.  Yet I am so disconnected with myself right now.  Maybe I should wipe my tears, look over the ledge, and jump.  I'll keep you posted.