It's Time

It's time.  It is now the time.  I've been waiting to feel ready, to feel excited and empowered in my journey to quit drinking, but I think that's just an excuse.  I wake up in the morning and I think, "Nope, not feeling it today.  Maybe tomorrow.  It will be too hard without feeling ready."  But I think that's just an excuse to keep drinking.  Alcohol has a funny way of morphing into whatever it needs to as long as it keeps us drinking.  A party, a special event, a thought, a fear or emotion.  In 10 days it is our 14th anniversary and then it's St. Patrick's Day after that.  So then I start thinking that maybe I'll just wait until April.  But I've been saying that for over a year now.  This is the week I taper.  Just like I said last week...

I'll be honest.  I'm not committing to a life full of AF living.  I'm committing to 30 days.  I will use the Reframe App or TNM Alcohol experiment, and really do the work.  These programs give me an anchor, something to hold onto.  I will gather up all my quit lit and start reading again (I can even start this week) and I can start taking some serious steps to get this party started.

I haven't journaled since Friday.  I've been too ashamed of myself to connect through writing.  I got into a drunken screaming match with Craig Friday night.  We went on a big drinking excursion on Saturday in which I lost my footing somehow.  A really, really long walk home which felt all downhill even though we live in a flat desert with no hills in sight.  I hit my head on a door jam and have some discoloration on my eyelid.  It's not a pretty look.  Luckily I was able to get to bed before the kids saw me.  But they must know something is off with Mom.  

This is not me.  This was never meant to be me.  And Craig; he doesn't deserve this wife.  And the boys; they deserve a stable home.  I'm offering only chaos.  I do love myself and I try to accept myself as I show up for this day.  I've slipped further down the alcohol path and it's the time now to start climbing out.  I hope tomorrow can be a more positive writing experience.  

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