One Foot in Front of the Other

Well that didn't go as planned.  I was planning on having my first AF day in months.  Instead, I went to the store, picked up 6 beers, drank said beers, poured a glass of wine, drank said glass of wine, and woke up to a headache.  I'm going to have to change the title of yesterday's post.  It was a humbling experience, to say the least.  It seems when I put restrictions on myself, my habit screams, kicks, and blinds me and causes me to drink more.  

What were the positives last night?  I didn't pick up the 12 pack at the store, even though it's a better deal than the six pack.  (Sneaky, very sneaky, Big Alcohol.  Way to keep your customers hooked.)  Another positive is that I'm not beating myself up today.  I am fully aware now of the hold this addictive substance has on my subconscious.  I think I already knew that, but I was a bit cocky.  Last night was eye opening.  Time to move on.  

I recently wrote about not having an end goal.  I don't have a quantitative end goal, like 30 days or 100 days or forever.  I would like to do 30 days to get a strong footing, but I don't think I'm quite there yet.  My true end goal is that alcohol is small and insignificant in my life.  It was for a while, but then the reconditioning happened, peri hit, I was lounging poolside in Hawaii, and bam.  That was that.  Is it even possible to make alcohol small and insignificant when it's everywhere?  I could make the argument that cigarettes mean nothing to me anymore, even though I was a pack of Marlboro lights per day for 20 years.  But cigarettes aren't everywhere anymore.  They aren't in my home and they aren't on every street corner or in every restaurant.  Thank god this sober curious movement is happening now; my children are growing up in the right time.  Similar to how I grew up with smoking.  Except I picked up the nasty habit at 17 years old.  Never mind, bad example.  Anyway, I'm happy that there is a such an upheaval in the alcohol industry.  They're getting scared that the next generation is living a more authentic life (minus the phones glues to their palms).  I'm pretty sure that's why they are making all these fruity had seltzers in splashy cans; it's too lure the younger generation.  They did hook my brother-in-law.  He's a big construction guy, drives a big truck, and sips White Claws from the skinny little can.  It's really quite silly looking.  That's another thing: the skinny cans.  Pretty sure they were designed for a woman's hand, like Virginia slims were designed to attract a woman to smoking.   Those cigarettes sucked; two drags and it was done.

I saw that even White Claw has jumped on the AF bandwagon.  Which is funny, because isn't that just flavored sparkling water?  Overpriced sparkling water?  Back to me.  I realize, as I mentioned, I am not bigger than the addictive substance.  My body and my brain are reacting exactly how they are supposed to act.  But I'm feeling a shift deep in my core.  I was thinking too big and it's time I bring my thoughts down to an attainable level.  For example, a day 1.  That's all.  And to stay wholly curious.  That's me!  I'm part of the sober curious movement.  I need a t-shirt.

I really wish I had a sober buddy walking this path with me.  I have all the support online, but when it comes down to it, I want someone to sit with, to run out for coffee at night because I can't sit at home anymore.  I want someone to cry, scream, and laugh at the insanity of life with.  Craig would be a nice sober buddy, but that's not happening, at least not now.  So what now?  One foot in front of the other, one step at a time.  Not cautiously but with full awareness.  I'm done tiptoeing through struggles.  And I'm done struggling.  Quitting alcohol, or at least getting a day 1, is not a struggle.  It's simply a set of emotions and sensations and possibly discomfort.  I don't know if I want it bad enough, though.  It would be easier if alcohol was fucking up my life, but it hasn't really.  It's just keeping my life really, really small.  

Here's to one foot in front of the other with eyes and heart wide open.