Sparrows in the Backyard

I haven't been keeping up on my writing, which for me, is like saying I haven't been keeping up with my therapy.  Just like therapy, when things are going well, we don't feel like we need it.  But I do need it, I know I do.  I have been successfully tapering where in a few days I will feel comfortable taking the big leap.  And this is where it gets tricky.  This is where the lies, that are so convincing and justifying, become so real.  If I could stay within my limits the past few days, and, if I actually don't want more beyond my limit, what's the big deal?  Sure, there are times when I think that I could have one more, but then I feel gross and I know I would regret it.  There's no other regret that's worse than letting yourself down.  Because if you could let yourself down, how can you trust yourself to not let others down?  

I know it's only been a couple of days, but I feel good.  I lay my head down at night looking forward to a cup of tea in the morning sunshine, instead of a cheap beer to keep the hangxiety at bay.  Tea tastes so damn good when you're not hungover nor dying of thirst.  And the gym!  Holy cow.  Going to the gym feels AMAZING, not like a chore.  Oh, and yoga in the sunshine, walks in the late afternoon.  It's all so pretty and nurturing and so far from the other side where I was laying in bed last Sunday unable to pull a few positive thoughts together.  

My big question: what's my goal?  I don't know.  My ultimate goal is to skip over all the hard work, never have to worry about alcohol whispering in my ear, be totally and completely free from it for the rest of my life.  That's my goal.  Take it or leave it and always choose to leave it.  But I want to avoid all the struggle.  So how is that done?  I suppose one way is to say it loud and proud, "I am done with alcohol, no questioning my decision."  But I'm not ready to proclaim that.  I guess that is where one day at a time comes in.  Which I don't really care for that phrase; it's got too much  AA- meeting- in- a- smoky- church- basement kind of feel.  BUT, and that's a big but, it also aligns with trying to live more mindfully, so maybe I just need to put a meditative and mindful spin on it.  

In the spirit of mindfulness, I feel good today.  I felt good yesterday.  I want to feel good again tomorrow.  This feeling good thing is home.   It's familiar and safe and cozy.  It's more familiar than the buzzed, or sloppy drunk, feeling of too much to drink.  It's cozier than waking up with the dread.  It's safer than being out of control, or letting go and letting booze.  (Yes, that's a spin on, "Letting go and letting god."  Sorry if I offend anyone with that.)

For today, I am going to relish this feeling and I'm going to protect myself from a life I don't want to live in.  I'm going to focus my energy today on creating a life that I don't want to escape from.  This may include tending to my vegetable garden, refilling the bird feeders (those little sparrows eat a shit ton of seeds), playing with my aging dog in the backyard, yoga in the sunshine, prepping for my new teaching position, taking a nap, conversations with loved ones.  This is a life that is worth being present for.  

Here's to the journey, the path, and the ups and downs of this wild ride.